I am a Woman

I am a woman- I mean, most of you reading are probably thinking, "uh...yeah, duh..." but I mean more than just the fact of my physical being...

Meaning, I am a woman, SO...

there are days when I feel smart and sexy and beautiful, and like Super Woman...Like nothing can touch me, and I'm on top of the world, and that every person I walk by is going to stop and stare because I've got something that they want: be it confidence, beauty, style, grace, etc...

but I also have days where I feel uncomfortable with my body. Days when I think that I am not beautiful. Days when my hair doesn't go the right way, and my stretched body from carrying two babies is tired and worn and out of shape. Days when the clothes just don't fit me right. Days when my confidence is at an all time low, and I don't feel like I can do much more than the mundane things to get me through the day. Days when my mind doesn't seem to function as it used to, and I can't find the right words. Days when I could lay in bed and just be there... I am a woman.

I am a woman. And this means sometimes I have feelings that I can't exactly express. There are things I experience and want to say and explain and share, but I can't find the right words. There are times I am so angry that I could scream, but the words to describe why just don't come to me. Times when I am not even sure myself why I am feeling the way that I am...and if I don't even know why I'm feeling it, then how could I explain it to someone else? I am a woman.

I am a woman. There is a part of me deep down that knows that I could do every thing that a man could. Not to prove to everyone that men and women are equal, but more to prove to myself that I am as strong as I believe I am. There's a part of me that knows that I am just as smart, savvy, physically capable, strong, business-minded, and hard-working. There's part of me that has to prove that to others around me-mostly for my own sake.

I am a woman. When I put my mind to something- I mean, really believe that I can do it, and that it's what I want- I can do it! Every obstacle imaginable could come my way, but nothing could stop what I've put my mind to...and that's especially true when that thing involves my family-my husband or my kids. There's an instinct in me that says, no one messes with me or my family...I am a woman.

I am a woman. I live my life to those outside of my circle as someone who doesn't need help. As if to say, "I'm good to go. Thanks for the offer, but I have everything I need..." I live as if I've got everything under control...and sometimes I do...but more often, I'm able to put on a great front if I need to. There are those who I can go to and tell that I don't have it all together. The circle of friends that support me in my effort of being the "strong" woman that I want to be...but not everyone gets to see that part of me...I am a woman.

I am a woman. I carry in my possession most places that I go more things than any man probably ever would. And sometimes those things fit in the smallest and most stylish handbag you've ever seen. I am prepared at all times for accidents, purchases, scheduling, needs...just life...I am a woman.

I am a woman. I listen and care, and I try to identify...my way of helping is to tell you my story of how I can identify with your situation...even if that doesn't really help your situation. It's just part of who I am. My ability to understand where you are, puts me in a place to give you advice, help, prayer, support....it doesn't mean that I can come up with a solution for you, but at least I will be able to identify with you. "I understand" isn't just something that comes out of my mouth...it comes from my heart too.

I am a woman.

Real

So, today, I discovered something about myself.

I discovered that when I blog, I often try to sound perfect. Not perfect in speech or perfect in my ability to write, but sort of the ideal me, and not always as I really am.

Today a good friend of mine sent me a link to this new blog she found, and I read it...and I loved it. I realized that I loved it because of how real it as. I loved it because of how it made me feel-like I wasn't alone in the world. Like, there are other moms who feel the way that I do. Like, I don't have to be perfect every second, or pretend my world is without blemish...or that I always love myself, or that my kids pee and poop excellence. ha.

So, here goes the start of a journey of blogging where I don't always have to sound elegant, or educated, where I tell the truth and don't try to hide when I fail or fall or make mistakes, or what have you.

Lately, my son, whom I love dearly with all my heart...he hasn't been sleeping. And when I say "lately"...I really mean, ever. He's almost 9 months old, and I think I've had 4 whole nights of interrupted sleep since he was born. I'm not saying that to whine or complain or ask for sympathy. I'm saying it because it's real-it's the truth. Some days, I want to rip my hair out, go out on our 3rd floor apt balcony and scream as loud as I can, and then take the chair that's on the balcony and smash it to a million pieces...and sometimes, I feel like the whole is perfect and great, and I am the supermom that I want to be, and I can do it! So, on the days where the hair ripping wants to begin, I'm so thankful for a husband I can vent to-a husband who tells me, "go to Starbucks and get a latte and just relax. take a book. take a magazine. make a phone call. don't think about the kids or me." and on the days when I feel like supermom, I'm thankful for the break from the emotional turmoil that I sometimes feel as a young mom of two.

There are days when I feel like my life is not my own. Days when the routine of life just kicks in and it's not really Wendy operating, but more of a back-up, kick-in version of who I might be if a robot were ever created of me[please don't get any ideas...this wouldn't be a very good robot]. Days when the number of diapers that I have to change, the impromptu baths that have to be given, the dishes that need done, the laundry that needs washed/dried/folded...days when that all seems to take over.

But, the light at the end of the tunnel are the days when I get to be me. Where I get to work on that set of greeting cards that I probably will never sell, but I love the creative outlet. Days where I actually get out of the house and take my son to the playground and run around with him. Days when I get all packed up just so I can take a walk in the sunshine and feel like I got good exercise while spending time with my kids. Days when my hubby calls and says, "let's take a family date...we'll go out to dinner, and I'm paying." Days when my two year old wants to cuddle up and give me kisses, and tickle my neck and make me laugh. Days when my almost 9 month old decides he's gonna crawl across the house just to look up at me with a big smile on his face and his curly little hairs on the top of his head all out of control.

That's what makes it all worth it. The times when I feel invisible, almost on auto-pilot, those times are greatly outweighed by the joys that come from being a mom, and a wife. They are outweighed by trying a new recipe and succeeding, and my best friends loving it. They are outweighed by my son finally saying the words we've been working on. They are outweighed by the sun shining, and the flowers that my father-in-law gave me not dying[I always kill whatever plants are in my possession- I have the black thumb].

So, today, be real. Don't try to be something your not. And know, that no matter what you are going through. Whether you feel like a terrible mom, terrible person, or like you're not even there at all...someone else is going through that same thing. And it's okay. It really is okay-and being real, it's the best thing you could ever do.